Musings of an Underpaid Swordmaster
by EtincelleD'OR
Summary: Dragon: “A croise is supposed to be an official fencing term! It’s idiots like you that make it a French pastry!" ... "Congratulations, you’ve just set the land speed record for one-legged tortoises everywhere!”


**Random Quotes from the Swordmaster himself. Written as a sister story to "Who'd be a riding instructor?", and suggested by Orlissa92. Review guys!!! **

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"The reason hitting below the belt is not counted in sabre is that it could cause brain damage."

Pupil: "Professor, how many sabreurs does it take to change a lightbulb?"

Dragon: "Eight. If I were to go so far as to call you twerps sabreurs. Two to charge at each other screaming, one to call the halt and four to abstain from making any claims. While the eighth guys runs and gets someone to change the lightbulb."

"If I'd wanted to wear a straight jacket, I'd have... No, wait, I work here don't I?"

"Because it's no fun without using hard pointy things."

"They all say 'oh it's alright, he doesn't really breathe fire'. It's a lie. I really do."

"You have to wear protection to be safe."

"You have to be one with your sword. A concept that I'm sure the boys won't have any problem interpreting."

"The excitement is over in three minutes or less. Even if you're good it's only four."

"Because there's a lot of thrusting, lunging, and binding."

"Well we all know dry fencing is no fun."

"There is always the fleche."

"Mr. Walker, despite the fact that you can have pictures and videos of your most impressive touches and not be arrested does not mean that you can't be maced."

"You can fence with strangers without getting a bad reputation, and you don't even have to spend £30 in the bar getting to know them first."

"No one expects a fencing bout to last much longer than two minutes, and you don't have to worry afterwards if the other fencer enjoyed it or not."

"It doesn't hurt if someone steps on your blade, Mr. Elliott."

"Miss LaFont, let me reassure you that it is almost impossible to catch a social disease from a fencing blade." _Almost..._

"You can play with your equipment in public and no one will laugh but that doesn't justify your lack of a life."

"No one cares how long your blade is. If it breaks you just go get a new one, don't bloody well bother me with it!!!"

"There are two types of cyclists. Those that are impotent, and those that are about to be. Please don't compare my sport to theirs."

"'Abstain'??? 'Abstain' is French for 'Sorry, I wasn't paying attention'."

"Foilists, advancing usually resulting in a three-yard penalty, a red card, and a slap across the face."

"Attack in Preparation: When you sneak up and hit your opponent while they're still putting on their uniform."

"Barrage: Shelling your opponent with cannon fire from several miles away."

"A croise is supposed to be an official fencing term! It's idiots like you that make it a French pastry!!!"

"Derobement? You mean the Houdini-like motions required by fencers to escape their straightjacket-like fencing uniforms???"

"The One-Two: Basic fencing dance step. Followed by 'Cha-Cha-Cha'."

"You really are completely pathetic aren't you?"

"Look, you're not Gustav Graves OR James Bond!!!"

"Check the replay. You'll find he's dead, and she's only got a fleshwound."

"Please stop playing that Madonna song over and over and over again!!!"

"I'm surrounded by morons..."

"Not that I should be surprised..."

"I'm not quite as far gone as Lenobia, I haven't started planting them upside-down in the muck-heap... Yet..."

"Although there are a few that need a good grow-bag..."

"This entire place needs a shrink!!!"

"I _hate _Wednesdays!!!"

"I may flash white with rage and kill someone."

"The third formers don't know anything, what a shock."

"Small-man syndrome. _Big _understatement."

"No! NO!!!"

"Never, ever, babysit small children."

"If I'd wanted to see a sideshow of your ridiculous antics, I would have put a camera in your dorm."

"That _can't_ be legal..."

"Thank Nyx vampyres don't have a Child Protection Agency, people could really get the wrong idea about this!"

"I've seen a battering ram before, thank you. Never again."

"Déjà vu. Like from the Spanish Inquisition."

"This is a bloody Jane Austen novel gone wrong!!!"

"Did you ever consider just shutting up?"

"Is hanging drawing and quartering still legal, by any chance?"

"Well that sucks."

"You went, you saw, you didn't quite conquer."

"I'm worried that I'm not gonna get _your _voice out of _my _head. It is a _very _serious concern."

"Congratulations, you've just set the land speed record for one-legged tortoises everywhere!"

"_Fetch me coffee_!!!!!"


End file.
